Though I have worn a smile on my face today, my heart has been in deep dispair. Today is the 6 month point since you decided to be with Jesus and I kissed you for the last time. Today is a mere reminder of the pain I have suffered yet knowing you are no longer in pain. Today I have not shed a tear until the moment of my typing.
I have a hard time fathoming it has been six months and at the same time feeling as though it has been an eternity. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I gave Missy your phone to use and I was watching a few videos that K-Bug did on it. As I kept clicking from one to the next I suddenly heard your voice and nearly fell to my knees. I never did delete your videos from your phone and found myself viewing them over and over just to hear your voice again. It was wonderful and so terribly sad at the same time. We will be putting those on my computer this weekend!!
Mark, there is so much my heart longs to tell you, so much I want to share. I didn't realize that there just would not be ears to listen to my heartache once you were gone. People don't know what to say so they say nothing. They are unsure if they should bring anything up so they don't. I have such desires to talk about who you were and where I am but in all my searching I have not truly found someone I can cry with.
I am trying to learn that God is my husband and the carrier of my pain but I tell you Mark, there is nothing like the warmth and comfort of a human hug from someone who loves you for who you are. I miss your hugs so much, some nights I feel like I will die without them.
You are now in the comfort of eternity and I cling to the comfort of your chair! You know the one, the black chair we bought just for you, well...now...it is just for me. It is the place I feel closest to you. There are some nights I hardly make it to bed because I don't want to leave the chair and I hate going to bed alone. It is such a dark and lonely place without you.
We shared everything about our lives since I was 21. I have never really been an adult without you and I am finding that I just don't know how to do this adult thing alone. You have always been my rock, strength and side-kick! We worked well as a team and you taught me so much about so many things. You'd be surprised at what I have accomplished around the house since you left but I'd sure rather not have accomplished those things just to have you back again.
Oh, I remember the bad stuff too:) Remember what Rev C. M. Ward used to tell us about being 'Incompatible'? He was so funny and so true!! Somehow, even in 'incompatibility' we found a way to stay true to our commitment and flourish in our differences. Complimenting each other's strengths and covering each other's weaknesses.
Yet, here I am 6 months in to this new season without you, still trying to hold tightly to you and to the past. As tears begin to stream down my cheeks I almost feel the need to ask you if it is ok to let go, but at the same time I just don't want to. The thought of moving forward without you brings waves of tears blurring the screen and guttural sobs from the depths of my soul. I can't do this, I don't want to do this, but somehow I must. WHY? Why God? Must I let Go?
My precious Markie, I love you so much!! I cannot write another word..........