Sunday, February 27, 2011

Closet Talk

Welcome Bloggy Friends
It's a new day and I am attempting to adjust to a new life

This has not been an easy journey
Nor is it anywhere near over
Yet I believe that here in blogland I need to move forward

Today I will share a few photos of my closet
I have been working at cleaning it out
And making it my own

First, I will tell you that I live in a very small 1200sq ft home
February 15th was the 16th anniversary of our move in date

About 6-7 years ago some well meaning neighbors and friends
tried very hard to get us to move to a more upscale neighborhood
in the very beginning of the housing market assent

Today I must be honest
Although the thought of having a bigger
home was tempting I am so thankful we didn't move

Thank you Lord for never giving us the release to move
Thank you Hubby for keeping us right where we are now
I am so grateful that my home is nearly paid off
And that I don't have a HUGE mortgage
NOW, in the midst of a housing crash!!!

So, my closet is small
But I think it works for me

We used to have Mark's dresser right where
my jewelry amour is now
It's so much smaller
And gives me lots more room to move around

On the top of one shelf
Where some of Mark's (special prizes) were
I have placed baskets with
Linens inside
I have labeled them which makes finding what I need
Easily Accessed

Before Mark became ill last year

He added this shelf above the door
Now all of my purses have there own space
Easily accessible and out of the way

I added a couple of photo/small boxes

Where I have placed
Scarves, handkerchiefs, and Extra VS stuff *wink*

On the shelf over the left side
I keep my *best* shoes
And special evening bags
In this handy ~ dandy shoe rack I got at Target

Then I hung all of my dresses

Long pants
Robes and Nightgowns
On the left

My sleeveless and short sleeve tops

on the bottom right
With my long sleeve tops
sweaters and jackets up above

My only question is:
Where did all of Hubby's stuff go?
I seem to have taken up ALL of the closet
Space all by myself

Next time I will be asking some Decorating advise for my bedroom
Stay tuned

Well, that's all my tired brain can handle on a Sunday afternoon
Blessing to you All

Considering A Small Closet Cleaned!!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Faces I Miss

Well the weather has taken a turn for the better and my mood has finally caught up.

I sure dislike gloomy days! They make me feel so awful.

Tonight I thought I'd share just a few of the faces that I miss.

It is true that our lives were not perfect
but Mark had a quirky way of making us laugh

Sometimes it was in the sweet way he looked at his grandchildren
And sometimes it was in the way
he facially addressed my silliness

He loved our annual Christmas Eve Guys Birthday Parties
Some may not have always enjoyed them
Yet Mark made enough fun memories for everybody
Do you see that bread stick hanging out of his mouth?

And then there was just the way he always put up with

I love Fun
And He Just Had to adjust!!!!

I'm just Considering a Few of Mark's Faces
With Joy,

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Random Ramblings

I cannot believe it has been a week since I last blogged! The days all run into one another and I haven't had much to say. Here are a few 'notes'!

My mom saw her pulmonologist. She has since had lab work done, a pulmonary function test and a cardiology appointment, which BTW was great. She will call Monday to schedule her biopsy. We are hopeful that it will be done in time for her March 3rd return doctor visit. Otherwise we will have to reschedule. The determination is either active Valley Fever (very common in AZ) or Cancer. We are of course praying for Valley Fever.

I finally finished my closet, bedroom and bathroom (basically). My son came in the other day and said it look SO empty, kind of like my heart these days. I'm relieved that it is finished but I have to agree with him, it does feel empty too. At least it is clean! I am attempting to 'Girly' it up a bit in the attempts of making it feel a little more of a special place to be.

The weather has been dark, cloudy and rainy which has matched my mood over the past couple of days. Arizona can always use rain; we certainly don't get much during the year.

Work has been oh so busy! In some respects that is really good yet it is always at the expense of seeing very sick children. We have certainly seen a fair share of Influenza, Pneumonia and Strep throat in the past month or two. Fortunately, I have managed to stay fairly healthy with the exception of a minor cough and sniffles a couple of times.

Matthew hasn't ridden much over the last few weeks. He too is struggling with these tenuous steps into our new lives. He and his daddy became very close during the past two years as they both ventured out to the barn several days a week together.

As I said above that my mood has matched the weather recently. I came home on Friday afternoon and put my jammies on and with the exception of a shower and going to church theis morning, in my jammies I have remained. I just mentioned to Matthew that I don't feel like I accomplished anything this weekend and he said: 'You Didn't'!! TRUTH!!!!

I have maintained a prone position on the couch, wrapped in a large comforter for most all of the weekend. I've watched way too much TV and slept more that I care to admit.

Yes, depression has settled in like the winter storm it is. I thought the days and nights would become easier as time moved slowly by, yet they only seem to be getting longer and harder. The emptiness I feel is palpable!

I want so desperately to walk through this season with Grace and Peace! I desire to be the reflection of who God is in the midst of the storm! My heart longs to have Joy returned! A smile wants to feel comfortable on my face again. Yet and still, I seem to be failing in my attempts to move forward.

I tell myself: Forward thinking, Forward thinking!

My physical body sinks in weakness and forward does not take root.

The desire of my heart is to be strong and uplifting on this blog. The reality is that I am weak and need so much for the Lord to come and reign in my weakness. I am nothing on this blog if not real! The truth of the matter is friends that the loss of a spouse is life altering, as is the loss of anyone in your life.

I keep waiting for Cindy to come back, but I don't think I will ever see her again. That marriage cord of three has broken and cannot be repaired! I will never feel his arms around me, never see his face, never hear him laugh or hear his voice again! This new life is just waaayyyy toooo lonely for me.

Considering How To Move Forward,


Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Love Worth Sharing

Happy 'LOVE' Day Everybody!!!
First I would like to thank my friend Gretchen for my very special treats:

Thank you for making what could be a difficult day special for me
And don't you worry, Cold Stone will have something my tummy will LOVE:)

Yes, Valentines Day can be a day of great Joy and Romantic Love
Or, as I have heard it called, Single Awareness Day!

It seems that if you are married or have a significant other
Then Valentines Day is Awesome
But if you are single, divorced or widowed
It can be a reminder of your loneliness

For me this year could be devastating just 7 weeks
after my husband's passing
Yet God has poured out His grace over me
And given me a strength that is not within my self

Mark and I shared a love that withstood:
Mental Illness
Job Losses
A Business Loss
Numerous Illnesses
Deaths of many family members
Church changes
A child with disabilities
A child with a drug/alcohol problem
More illnesses
Including a Kidney Transplant
And 30 years of life

Ours was not a perfect love
It was a committed love
A love that withstood the test of time

When we took our marriage vows
We meant them
Better, worse
Richer, poorer
Sickness, health
Until Death do us part

But even that love is not the best

The Love of God on this day
and every other day of the year
Is the Love Worth Sharing

"For God so loved the world that He Gave..."
John 3:16

God gave us life eternal
Therefore I have HOPE of seeing my Mark again
because of that love

He gave it all...

Instead of wondering who is going to Give to Me
My heart aches to find the ones who God
desires for me to give to

Instead of wallowing in self pity today
I lift up my eyes
And ask who I can
Share His Love With

We have been blessed with a Love Worth Sharing
Who are you going to share that love with today?

Considering His Love With Great Joy,

Thursday, February 10, 2011

And So We Wait...

Hoping, Praying and Believing we would have definitive answers today did not make it so.

Yes, there is confirmation of moderately severe emphysema and
Yes, there are definitely nodules within both lungs that 'light up' as cancer would,
still and yet the doctor mom saw today was unable to give her a definite yes or no!

Next Tuesday, February 15th, we will go reports in hand to see a pulmonologist!
Needle biopsy is the next possible option for a conclusive diagnosis
yet it does not come without its own set of possible complications!
There is also lung resection!
Either way, if we want absolute answers one will need to be chosen!

And so we wait...
Another week without answers
Another week to pray and believe
Another week of Life

Considering Another Day of Life with Great Joy,


Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's In The Letting Go....

People who have known me for any amount of time know that my personality tends to be basically compliant! My motto growing up was: 'avoid confrontation at all costs'! I don't like arguing, fighting, yelling, or any of the like.

When asked to do something I'm usually right on it without much fuss! My employers have mostly loved me because I just do what I'm told and most often (*wink*) with a smile on my face!

However, when God speaks to me in His still small voice, it quit frankly takes me a while to 'get it' if you know what I mean. I desire to be obedient to His nudging but sometimes He just has to throw me over the cliff before I do what He wants! Silly Me:)

In recent days the Lord has been speaking to my heart regarding grieving. So Sunday morning I get up as usual to prepare for morning worship. I quickly checked my FB account to find the following scripture posted by our youth pastor.

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing,
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. "
Psalm 30:11

The very next thing I saw was a video post by Jars of Clay ~ Sing of Your Mercy, which talks about singing the mercy's of God as you walk through the valleys of sorrow and He turns them to Rivers of Joy!

Do you see a theme here?

Our Pastor has been preaching a series on Elijah!! It's has been awesome! Sunday's lesson was based around 'Which God do you Serve'? We were in 1 Kings 18 where Ahab was calling on his god's to bring fire on his offering and Elijah called his God to do the same. You know the story! The Baals did not produce fire but Jehovah did! Ahab's people worshipped idols and numerous gods instead of just the one true God. (all very loosely paraphrased here)

Pastor reminded us that God's fire came down and consumed not only the bull on the altar but also the altar itself as well as the water in the trough and the ground on which the altar sat. It consumed the earth. Now this may not seem to be a similar theme but here is where God brings it all together.

Home again and attempting to wash the dishes (have I ever told you how much I HATE washing dishes-yet I'm thankful that I have dishes to wash), I was thinking about the Pastor's quote:

"Let God consume the things of this earth that are in me"

I was saying to God that as I've walked through this awful grieving process I don't really feel like there is any earthly thing in me. I don't care about stuff or anything of this world and I don't think I have any idols! And God, ever so sweetly yet firmly, said: "Cindy, grief can become an idol". Well, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!! It's only been 6 weeks and already I'm being told grief can become an idol, Sshhhish!

Now don't get me wrong friends! Let me be perfectly clear, I absolutely do not believe God was saying that I must be done grieving the loss of my husband in 6 weeks! I do however believe that if I continue to focus on my grief I may get lost in it and therefore make it more important that He is to me.

I recalled the things the Lord had spoken in the early morning hours about turning my mourning into joy!! That is what He wants. The desire of God's heart is to take my absolutely broken heart and mend it! To put the pieces back together again and help me find Joy even through the scars of pain! This loneliness, this pain, this empty feeling will not subside in a moment, yet in time as I turn my focus to God's love, grace and mercy He will heal my heart and help me to not only find Joy but be able to live it out.

I've begun the process of cleaning out closets, cabinets, and drawers! Going through Mark's belongings is so terribly difficult but I am finding that there is healing in the letting go! Yes, with God's words spoken to my heart and help through the process I am finding healing!! I see so much to be thankful for! I had 30 plus wonderful years with the only man I've ever loved, the one who became my best friend, and the one who committed his life to me, his children and his God! How many of us can say that? I am a blessed woman!

My days are sad, lonely and hard but I am so grateful to be able to hold fast to the memories that Mark and I made together and with our families!!! Though I may and am letting go of material possessions, I will never let go of the memories we created!

So, Yes, It is in the Letting Go that I am finding healing....

Considering It Necessary to Find Joy In Loss,

PS: Mom's test went well but we have to wait 2 days before we get the results:(

Thursday, February 3, 2011

In The Midst......

In the midst of all the changes life has held for me...

After a CT scan last Thursday my mom was diagnosed with moderately severe emphysema and several nodules were found in her lungs as well as some scattered calcifications.

On Tuesday 02/08 she will go in for a PET scan (Positron Emission Tomography).

If you have any background in medicine you know that PET scans are used to confirm cancer.

Friends, I only have energy and words to ask for Prayer!!

If ever I needed to see a miracle, it is now!!