Dr. W. would not let hubby leave the out patient area until one final test was performed. We were NOT expecting the result. Potassium level at 7.9, Creatinine over 5.0 and the journey began.
Even as I sit here at my desk 7 years later the wave of emotions floods my soul. Fear gripped my heart and the next days seemed a blur. I remember making a decision not to cry and saying to God, "I trust you to get us through this".
Hubby was admitted to the hospital for more tests and then we awaited the results. When we finally sat in the doctors office the only words I really recall were: Complete kidney failure, you are too young, you need a transplant, dialysis!
We went to church three days later and with hands raised to God laid it all on the altar. We trusted God and knew He had a plan and would walk us through every step of the journey. God in return picked us up and carried us when we truly did not have to strength to carry ourselves.
The roller coaster ride of events, doctors, tests, hospitalizations, surgeries, illnesses and emotions had just begun. The medical story can be read here.
Tonight I write to thank God for carrying us through the journey. He never let us go. As I said before there was a day I felt God pick us up and carry us and then I do remember a day when He set us down again and walked with us. I am so grateful to a God who knows how to carry and how to walk with.
I didn't have the opportunity to write my Friday Night Five last night so I will do so here.
Tonight I am grateful for:
1) 7 years that I feared would not happen. In those early days of hubby's illness I would watch him sleep and just make sure he was breathing. Some nights when he was in the hospital I wasn't even sure I would see him in the morning. He was so very ill.
2) A quiet day and dinner outside with him and one of our boys.
3) A God who does not forget His promises.
4) Treatment plans ~ though End Stage Renal Failure is a terminal disease, there are treatment plans which have given us time together.
5) Adoption and the story that brought to our family.
These days are different for us. Hubby is on disability and is unable to maintain full time employment. He is frail and weak. (He probably wouldn't want me to say that) but reality is that he is fragile. His skin bleeds if you touch it, he has constant edema, he lives in constant pain, and the side effects of immunosuppressant's (about 25 pills daily) are well, awful.
I wish I could change it for him but I can't. All I can do is be thankful for the time we have had and pray for the days ahead.
We have learned to live for today and enjoy the time we have together. My soul continues to be a rollercoaster of emotions and tears are always well hidden behind my eyes. I did cry once during those first 6 months but was ridiculed for it so have never really been able to cry since. Maybe someday!
When you walk through and live with a terminal illness it changes you and your family. We are different people but I hope that means we are more real, genuine, vulnerable, open, loving, kind and accepting of faults. I pray that we are a reflection of God's love and a witness to others. People still ask us how we do it and I still reply 'we don't ~ God does'. My heart breaks for others who walk through trials without God, I just don't know how they make it.
It is possible that tonight I am just rambling and making no sense. I just feel such a sense of gratefulness to be in this place after all we have been through. This short post could never reflect my heart tonight but only give you a tiny glimpse of the reality which is our life.
Considering This Life with JOY,