I begin this post with the same concern in my spirit that many may be feeling today.
I believe though, that no matter the outcome tonight, My GOD still sits on the throne
and it is in HIM I place my trust, faith and hope! Our country may change,
but My GOD never changes!
Now, I will share my thoughts about chapter 8 of Behind Those Eyes by Lisa Whittle. It has been both joyful and at times difficult to continue with this study hosted by Lelia at WriteFromTheHeart! I have both loved it and dreaded it at the same time. It has pushed me to face truths about my life and myself that are painful yet healing. I see hope in the days ahead but this post will be my most difficult to write.
If you are a family member, other than my mom or siblings, you may read some things today that you have been unaware of. I have purposely kept what I am about to write a very private matter as to not bring shame or humiliation to my family. My father and grandmother both passed away in 1999 and it is time for me to come clean to the depth of my being in order to become totally free to live the life God intended for me to live long before He created the world.
This chapter "We are completely loved and accepted completely" was difficult for me to read. Though I have been a Christian since I was very young, have loved Jesus since my earliest memories, have known that Jesus loves me, has accepted me and I am completely His there is a part of me that has never been able to grasp fully the love of God the Father. I have spent this week in quiet reflection as I've prepared for this post. I pulled back from most things this week and have just spent time with God. Seeking His face and understanding as I have asked Him the questions I posed last week.
Yes, I have been hurt, much more deeply than what I have shared regarding my previous church. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my earthy father. I can say that without tears because, with God's help, I forgave my dad a couple years before he passed away and was holding his hand when he took his last breath on earth. I honestly do not know where he is today but I can say that I pray he is resting with Jesus.
So, if I have truly forgiven then why do I continue to have questions and fight depression and loneliness? I have come to realize that when a trust is broken between and father and his daughter it is a trust that affects her entire life. It affects every aspect of her life including all of her relationships, her marriage bed and her ability to trust her own creator.
I was deathly afraid of my dad. I had reoccurring nightmares growing up. I attempted to share with a few people but there seemed to be no place of safety, no place of rescue, no place of real love, no place of protection. I began building walls around my heart just to survive. Thoughts of suicide become my constant companion because I felt that if things got too bad I could always kill myself and then I would be safe, or so I thought.
I stuffed my feelings until I had 2 ulcers at the age of 18. I ended up leaving home and eventually got married but never shared my past with anyone. In 1990 I became so depressed and despondent that suicide really did become my option. But God...had another plan.
I ended up in a hospital for 30 days which helped to begin the process of forgiveness toward my father. There was a lot of fear, anger, bitterness and pain stored within me that needed to be released and sorted out. In time I was able to forgive and had a decent relationship with my dad before he died.
I could relay to you the details, and there are many, but that is not the point of this post. My greatest desire is to relay what God has been speaking this week in my quiet moments with Him.
First, AND I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN THESE WORDS TO ANYONE BEFORE THIS MOMENT, He has revealed that I hold my dad accountable for the fact that I was unable to have children and my hysterectomy at 26. When a young girl's body is subjected to abuse I believe damage can be done. I am not a physician so I cannot substantiate these claims from a medical standpoint, but it doesn't really matter, because deep within my spirit, I blame him. So, this is a new area that God is planning on remolding and shaping in my heart.
Second, and most importantly, He, my Heavenly Father, has spoken that I am still afraid to grasp a hold of His complete love for me. Yes, I have fear. Loving Jesus the Son, is so simple for me but loving and trusting God the Father is more challenging than hiking up from the bottom of the Grand Canyon. It is easy for me to work my fingers to the bone for God and the church, hoping to gain love, respect, and acceptance but not easy for me to just accept His love.
As I sit here and type my hands are shaking and my heart is pounding as if someone where beating a drum. I am shivering and sweating at the same time. I know I am on the brink of a breakthrough but quite frankly it scares me to death.
James is one of my favorite books of the Bible. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you". Lord, I want to come near but fear of being vulnerable locks my heart behind the years of walls I have so carefully constructed. I give you permission as I type to complete the tearing down process that has begun.
I end by saying this: I am not depressed, despondent, discouraged or depleted. I am scarred and scared. But somehow in the midst of this moment ~ I have peace.
This may be an unusual response to this chapter but it is mine and I'm thankful for it.
I continue to Consider It All Joy,