Sunday, February 20, 2011

Random Ramblings

I cannot believe it has been a week since I last blogged! The days all run into one another and I haven't had much to say. Here are a few 'notes'!

My mom saw her pulmonologist. She has since had lab work done, a pulmonary function test and a cardiology appointment, which BTW was great. She will call Monday to schedule her biopsy. We are hopeful that it will be done in time for her March 3rd return doctor visit. Otherwise we will have to reschedule. The determination is either active Valley Fever (very common in AZ) or Cancer. We are of course praying for Valley Fever.

I finally finished my closet, bedroom and bathroom (basically). My son came in the other day and said it look SO empty, kind of like my heart these days. I'm relieved that it is finished but I have to agree with him, it does feel empty too. At least it is clean! I am attempting to 'Girly' it up a bit in the attempts of making it feel a little more of a special place to be.

The weather has been dark, cloudy and rainy which has matched my mood over the past couple of days. Arizona can always use rain; we certainly don't get much during the year.

Work has been oh so busy! In some respects that is really good yet it is always at the expense of seeing very sick children. We have certainly seen a fair share of Influenza, Pneumonia and Strep throat in the past month or two. Fortunately, I have managed to stay fairly healthy with the exception of a minor cough and sniffles a couple of times.

Matthew hasn't ridden much over the last few weeks. He too is struggling with these tenuous steps into our new lives. He and his daddy became very close during the past two years as they both ventured out to the barn several days a week together.

As I said above that my mood has matched the weather recently. I came home on Friday afternoon and put my jammies on and with the exception of a shower and going to church theis morning, in my jammies I have remained. I just mentioned to Matthew that I don't feel like I accomplished anything this weekend and he said: 'You Didn't'!! TRUTH!!!!

I have maintained a prone position on the couch, wrapped in a large comforter for most all of the weekend. I've watched way too much TV and slept more that I care to admit.

Yes, depression has settled in like the winter storm it is. I thought the days and nights would become easier as time moved slowly by, yet they only seem to be getting longer and harder. The emptiness I feel is palpable!

I want so desperately to walk through this season with Grace and Peace! I desire to be the reflection of who God is in the midst of the storm! My heart longs to have Joy returned! A smile wants to feel comfortable on my face again. Yet and still, I seem to be failing in my attempts to move forward.

I tell myself: Forward thinking, Forward thinking!

My physical body sinks in weakness and forward does not take root.

The desire of my heart is to be strong and uplifting on this blog. The reality is that I am weak and need so much for the Lord to come and reign in my weakness. I am nothing on this blog if not real! The truth of the matter is friends that the loss of a spouse is life altering, as is the loss of anyone in your life.

I keep waiting for Cindy to come back, but I don't think I will ever see her again. That marriage cord of three has broken and cannot be repaired! I will never feel his arms around me, never see his face, never hear him laugh or hear his voice again! This new life is just waaayyyy toooo lonely for me.

Considering How To Move Forward,



  1. I'm so sorry you're going thru this at this point in your life. Wish I could come by and give you a hug more's one thru the computer.

    One day at a time!
    Love ya, Connie

  2. What a beautiful post, Cindy. You have such a beautiful heart. I am so so so sorry for you pain. Words can't express. But know that even in your pain and your grief you ARE a light and blessing to others. YOU ARE!!! Just trust me, and trust that.

  3. I can only imagine what you must feel these days. Please take your time through the process. You have a lot of adjustments and a lot to process emotionally and physically. Let the Lord hold you through it all.

    Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way....

  4. Good to catch up with you this evening; my heart is heavy for a great many reasons, but I am confident in a brighter tomorrow for all of us. You're battling through, sister, and your faith is apparent. I pray you days full of sunshine this week and a heart filled with all the confidence in our Lord.

    He will carry you through.



Hi Friend, I read and cherish every single comment you leave! You bring Joy to my heart! Blessings, Cindy