People who have known me for any amount of time know that my personality tends to be basically compliant! My motto growing up was: 'avoid confrontation at all costs'! I don't like arguing, fighting, yelling, or any of the like.
When asked to do something I'm usually right on it without much fuss! My employers have mostly loved me because I just do what I'm told and most often (*wink*) with a smile on my face!
However, when God speaks to me in His still small voice, it quit frankly takes me a while to 'get it' if you know what I mean. I desire to be obedient to His nudging but sometimes He just has to throw me over the cliff before I do what He wants! Silly Me:)
In recent days the Lord has been speaking to my heart regarding grieving. So Sunday morning I get up as usual to prepare for morning worship. I quickly checked my FB account to find the following scripture posted by our youth pastor.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing,
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. "
The very next thing I saw was a video post by Jars of Clay ~ Sing of Your Mercy, which talks about singing the mercy's of God as you walk through the valleys of sorrow and He turns them to Rivers of Joy!
Do you see a theme here?
Our Pastor has been preaching a series on Elijah!! It's has been awesome! Sunday's lesson was based around 'Which God do you Serve'? We were in 1 Kings 18 where Ahab was calling on his god's to bring fire on his offering and Elijah called his God to do the same. You know the story! The Baals did not produce fire but Jehovah did! Ahab's people worshipped idols and numerous gods instead of just the one true God. (all very loosely paraphrased here)
Pastor reminded us that God's fire came down and consumed not only the bull on the altar but also the altar itself as well as the water in the trough and the ground on which the altar sat. It consumed the earth. Now this may not seem to be a similar theme but here is where God brings it all together.
Home again and attempting to wash the dishes (have I ever told you how much I HATE washing dishes-yet I'm thankful that I have dishes to wash), I was thinking about the Pastor's quote:
"Let God consume the things of this earth that are in me"
I was saying to God that as I've walked through this awful grieving process I don't really feel like there is any earthly thing in me. I don't care about stuff or anything of this world and I don't think I have any idols! And God, ever so sweetly yet firmly, said: "Cindy, grief can become an idol". Well, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!! It's only been 6 weeks and already I'm being told grief can become an idol, Sshhhish!
Now don't get me wrong friends! Let me be perfectly clear, I absolutely do not believe God was saying that I must be done grieving the loss of my husband in 6 weeks! I do however believe that if I continue to focus on my grief I may get lost in it and therefore make it more important that He is to me.
I recalled the things the Lord had spoken in the early morning hours about turning my mourning into joy!! That is what He wants. The desire of God's heart is to take my absolutely broken heart and mend it! To put the pieces back together again and help me find Joy even through the scars of pain! This loneliness, this pain, this empty feeling will not subside in a moment, yet in time as I turn my focus to God's love, grace and mercy He will heal my heart and help me to not only find Joy but be able to live it out.
I've begun the process of cleaning out closets, cabinets, and drawers! Going through Mark's belongings is so terribly difficult but I am finding that there is healing in the letting go! Yes, with God's words spoken to my heart and help through the process I am finding healing!! I see so much to be thankful for! I had 30 plus wonderful years with the only man I've ever loved, the one who became my best friend, and the one who committed his life to me, his children and his God! How many of us can say that? I am a blessed woman!
My days are sad, lonely and hard but I am so grateful to be able to hold fast to the memories that Mark and I made together and with our families!!! Though I may and am letting go of material possessions, I will never let go of the memories we created!
So, Yes, It is in the Letting Go that I am finding healing....
Considering It Necessary to Find Joy In Loss,
PS: Mom's test went well but we have to wait 2 days before we get the results:(