I was shy and awkward when inside I longed to be outgoing and graceful. I was easily embarrassed and always felt a bit like a black sheep. I was starved for attention yet when someone would try to offer it I became stiff and built walls to protect myself from being hurt. I had ulcers at 18 because I held every feeling inside!
I worked very hard to keep all things visibly perfect. From my clothing, shoes, jewelry and room to my body. I exercised, ate well, kept my skin clean, teeth great, body in perfect shape along with that southern California tan, I was the picture of perfection!
Fast-forward several decades, some counseling, forgiveness and an abundant amount of God's grace and no longer do I see the signs of that childhood perfectionist. Instead, I see a home that is far from the spotless place I would love for it to be, clothing that sometimes wears thin and has a stain or two, no tan but skin that is covered with age spots and the consequences of too much sun, and a body that no long reflects exercise and health but portrays too many donuts and ice cream, oh and chocolate.
Now instead of perfectionism I struggle with the joy of being redeemed and forgiven but forget about the yielding of my will. My outlook has become short-term gratification instead of long-term satisfaction.
Many nights I close my eyes to sleep and quietly (internally) cry out to God ~ Why Oh Why ~ can I not get my eating habits under control? Why do I struggle so much? How can I say one minute that today is the day and the next minute I am eating something for no reason? I hate myself for my inability to be obedient and yield this area of my life to God.
I have struggled even writing this post because once things are out people may hold you accountable to your word. I certainly don't seem to be able to do that myself. Here I am pouring my heart out to an unknown audience while sitting at my desk with a 20 oz Sprite, 2 1.75 oz Mr.Goodbars and a 3 oz bag of Fritos honey/bbq twists for lunch. Ummmm...do you see something wrong with this picture?
My taste buds want to have gratification NOW but my heart would love the satisfaction of winning a battle. Unfortunately the taste buds seem to out power the desires of my heart.
I have struggled these past few weeks with writing this because I know family and friends read this blog, but the reality is, this blog is my journal of my journey and this is in fact part of my journey. I difficult part, YES! But nonetheless a part!
So, where do I go from here? Well, of course, to the Cross! On my knees, yielding my will, yielding my need for gratification, yielding myself to God's perfect plan and mercy!
I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength in me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency) Philippians 4:14 amplified
I do not look today for perfection within myself, just a willingness and desire to be yielded to Him.
Considering Yielding with Great Joy,
Thanks for saying what I am thinking and struggling with too. I was just thinking this morning that I should join Jenny Craig again because it worked before to lose 15 lbs.ReplyDelete
So I am right there with you...we can do it! You encourage me and I will encourage you!
Love ya, Connie
Dear Jesus, Your daugther Cindy is beautiful! Oh how I love her, her heart, her honestly, her willingness to be real! For she is going right where You want her...to Your heart, a heart that is right in the middle of perfect peace, perfect love and perfect grace...so yes she does long to be perfect...why...because You Lord created her to be that way...perfect in You!!! Oh Jesus I am celebrating the freedom that is Cindy's...freedom she will find in You...Lord remind her that she needs to allow YOur love and grace to dump down on her and cover her and fill her. Hug her for me Lord, thank You Jesus for Cindy! AmenReplyDelete
I know you can do it, Cindy! Praying for you.ReplyDelete
I know how you feel!!! You can come to WW with me anytime (I love that program!!!). We all fall into the chocolate cake...but we just need to pick ourselves up~tomorrow is a new day :)ReplyDelete