I was shy and awkward when inside I longed to be outgoing and graceful. I was easily embarrassed and always felt a bit like a black sheep. I was starved for attention yet when someone would try to offer it I became stiff and built walls to protect myself from being hurt. I had ulcers at 18 because I held every feeling inside!
I worked very hard to keep all things visibly perfect. From my clothing, shoes, jewelry and room to my body. I exercised, ate well, kept my skin clean, teeth great, body in perfect shape along with that southern California tan, I was the picture of perfection!
Fast-forward several decades, some counseling, forgiveness and an abundant amount of God's grace and no longer do I see the signs of that childhood perfectionist. Instead, I see a home that is far from the spotless place I would love for it to be, clothing that sometimes wears thin and has a stain or two, no tan but skin that is covered with age spots and the consequences of too much sun, and a body that no long reflects exercise and health but portrays too many donuts and ice cream, oh and chocolate.
Now instead of perfectionism I struggle with the joy of being redeemed and forgiven but forget about the yielding of my will. My outlook has become short-term gratification instead of long-term satisfaction.
Many nights I close my eyes to sleep and quietly (internally) cry out to God ~ Why Oh Why ~ can I not get my eating habits under control? Why do I struggle so much? How can I say one minute that today is the day and the next minute I am eating something for no reason? I hate myself for my inability to be obedient and yield this area of my life to God.
I have struggled even writing this post because once things are out people may hold you accountable to your word. I certainly don't seem to be able to do that myself. Here I am pouring my heart out to an unknown audience while sitting at my desk with a 20 oz Sprite, 2 1.75 oz Mr.Goodbars and a 3 oz bag of Fritos honey/bbq twists for lunch. Ummmm...do you see something wrong with this picture?
My taste buds want to have gratification NOW but my heart would love the satisfaction of winning a battle. Unfortunately the taste buds seem to out power the desires of my heart.
I have struggled these past few weeks with writing this because I know family and friends read this blog, but the reality is, this blog is my journal of my journey and this is in fact part of my journey. I difficult part, YES! But nonetheless a part!
So, where do I go from here? Well, of course, to the Cross! On my knees, yielding my will, yielding my need for gratification, yielding myself to God's perfect plan and mercy!
I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength in me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency) Philippians 4:14 amplified
I do not look today for perfection within myself, just a willingness and desire to be yielded to Him.
Considering Yielding with Great Joy,