Several years ago during the first phases of my husband's illness, I subconsciously decided that I would not cry. I was determined to be strong and carry on with my life emotionally unphased. Each day I would get up and 'do' life with all it's twists, turns and new additions of hospital visits, medications, dialysis, and whatever else needed to be taken care of. I continued to work, minister, teach and maintain a beautiful family.
One afternoon several months into the diagnoses I was at my monthly leadership development meeting. Our group had formed very strong bonds as we had shared life with each other during the previous months. Each month we would read a book of the Bible and a Christian book, come back together and share what God had spoken to us during the month. Then we would receive training from our Pastor's wife on effective ministry in the church. It was at this particular meeting that I made a conscience decision not to cry again.
During the meeting I began to share some of the struggles I was facing as a wife, mom and minister along with trying to be a support to my ailing husband. "I CRIED"! I was lambasted! (FYI: Verbally Attacked). I was told that I had no right to share my feelings in that meeting and that it was inappropriate for me to cry. Over the next several days I was told that I needed to seek professional help and that I was mentally unstable. I vowed to myself that I would never cry again and I really haven't. It has been 5 years. (The above statements are not meant to put anyone down. Those words are just a matter of fact which led to where I am today.)
Our family was led to leave that particular church 1 1/2 years ago and I have learned SO much since then. Yes, I have actually sought professional counsel from a wonderful PsyD and yes, I probably was a little mentally unstable due to holding all of my emotions in for 6 months. Facing a potentially terminal illness can take a toil on family life as well as ones emotional stability.
This past weekend I went to urgent care because I had been experiencing some dizziness, nausea and when I checked my blood pressure it was 165/100 ~ Yikees ~ way too high for me. I won't bore you with all the details but as I sat contemplating the possibility of being hospitalized my eyes began to fill with tears. So you think I could let them fall ~ NO! Today, in the doctors office, again contemplating hospitalization the tears wanted to fill my eyes. I almost cried, but not quite.
Why am I writing all of this? I really don't know! My bloggy family has been so kind to me and I suppose I just needed to vent today. Though God has done amazing things in our little family and has worked mighty miracles I still find it difficult to let those little tears roll down my face.
Some days I want so badly to be completely whole but then I keep looking back at the scripture in James and it reminds me again that our daily trials are to bring us to that place of maturity and completeness. So, today, though I wanted to cry, I must instead find joy in trial and trust my precious God to show me HIS way.
Considering It All JOY,