Monday, September 8, 2008

I Almost Cried Today!

Several years ago during the first phases of my husband's illness, I subconsciously decided that I would not cry. I was determined to be strong and carry on with my life emotionally unphased. Each day I would get up and 'do' life with all it's twists, turns and new additions of hospital visits, medications, dialysis, and whatever else needed to be taken care of. I continued to work, minister, teach and maintain a beautiful family.

One afternoon several months into the diagnoses I was at my monthly leadership development meeting. Our group had formed very strong bonds as we had shared life with each other during the previous months. Each month we would read a book of the Bible and a Christian book, come back together and share what God had spoken to us during the month. Then we would receive training from our Pastor's wife on effective ministry in the church. It was at this particular meeting that I made a conscience decision not to cry again.

During the meeting I began to share some of the struggles I was facing as a wife, mom and minister along with trying to be a support to my ailing husband. "I CRIED"! I was lambasted! (FYI: Verbally Attacked). I was told that I had no right to share my feelings in that meeting and that it was inappropriate for me to cry. Over the next several days I was told that I needed to seek professional help and that I was mentally unstable. I vowed to myself that I would never cry again and I really haven't. It has been 5 years. (The above statements are not meant to put anyone down. Those words are just a matter of fact which led to where I am today.)

Our family was led to leave that particular church 1 1/2 years ago and I have learned SO much since then. Yes, I have actually sought professional counsel from a wonderful PsyD and yes, I probably was a little mentally unstable due to holding all of my emotions in for 6 months. Facing a potentially terminal illness can take a toil on family life as well as ones emotional stability.

This past weekend I went to urgent care because I had been experiencing some dizziness, nausea and when I checked my blood pressure it was 165/100 ~ Yikees ~ way too high for me. I won't bore you with all the details but as I sat contemplating the possibility of being hospitalized my eyes began to fill with tears. So you think I could let them fall ~ NO! Today, in the doctors office, again contemplating hospitalization the tears wanted to fill my eyes. I almost cried, but not quite.

Why am I writing all of this? I really don't know! My bloggy family has been so kind to me and I suppose I just needed to vent today. Though God has done amazing things in our little family and has worked mighty miracles I still find it difficult to let those little tears roll down my face.

Some days I want so badly to be completely whole but then I keep looking back at the scripture in James and it reminds me again that our daily trials are to bring us to that place of maturity and completeness. So, today, though I wanted to cry, I must instead find joy in trial and trust my precious God to show me HIS way.

Considering It All JOY,


  1. Cindy, I'm sending you a hug.

    I wouldn't begin to try and tell you how to handle your situation, I just know that I too used to often resign myself not to cry. However, over the past couple of years as God has been doing a work in my life, I have prayed for Him to knock down the walls that kept me from crying. (I don't want to be a blubbering basket-case, but I want to be 'real' and I want a tender, softened heart.) The Lord has shown me through His word that Jesus wept and that God treasures our tears in a bottle. Tears are precious to the Lord, and truly, they are a gift. I am not afraid of them as much as I used to be.

    I'm praying for you.

  2. Cindy:
    My the Spirit of the Living God who lives and breathes and walks each step with you...

    be tender to you this day in his care over you and wipe those internal tears that cry with the wet and the intensity of an outward downpour. Just because we do not see them doesn't mean they don't cry.

    They do and they are allowed and our Father is best qualified for their wiping. He hears them even now, and so do I.

    Keep to the process. Keep to your healing. God is after a masterpiece in you.

    peace for the journey~elaine

  3. Dear Cindy! I so admire your strength and your desire to find joy in all circumstances!

    I have to admit, I can't relate too much as I tend to be very emotional and cry over big things, little things, movies, sad songs, you name it. For some reason, that's just how I react.

    I was truly shocked at the reaction you got from your former church. That's really unfortunate that people reacted that way.

    If I had to offer any advice, it would be to remember that even Jesus wept. If you feel like crying, don't stifle the tears, let them fall. Perhaps in a place where you're alone - just you and God - and you can weep and just pour your heart out to him. I've sat on my closet floor many times and done just that!

    We live in a broken world - a world full of pain and hurt. And I think it's okay to acknowledge that the brokenness we see in the world pains us. Sometimes to the point of tears!

    Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. You're an amazing woman, and I have so appreciated all of your encouragement.

  4. Girl, you have left me crying! One of the things that angers me most is noncompassionate Christians. I'm so sorry you had a horrible experience and one brought on by your Christian brothers and sisters. Those attacks are always the worse.

    I say this most sincerely you've got to let their words go. YOU CAN CRY! Jesus cried! It's part of the way God made us to mourn, grieve and deal with our emotions. Letting it out helps you cleanse your soul and move on.

    Thanks for being so authentic and honest. You are a very strong woman. Just remember tears are not a sign of weakness. Yes, just as Joyful says, they are a gift from God.

    Praying for you girl -- your health, emotions, family and healing.

    Blessings to a precious one!

  5. I am in awe sometimes at how cruel people can be! I am sorry you are feeling down.

    Saying prayers for you - I hope you are feeling better.

  6. missed ya on Sunday...hope you are feeling better!

  7. Hi Cindy,
    I am stunned at what the church members from your previous church said to you. Stunned because I sob like a little baby every week at church. I am touched by the tenderness of the Holy one and tears just fall.

    Not everyone has to cry. But, if you feel them begin to well up, don't resist them.

    When you are alone with Jesus, let your heart be tender to His perfect love. Let his love and peace surround you, let Him hold you tenderly in His care. Open your heart and if the tears fall, Jesus will catch and count each one.

    I admire your strength and determination but we are but frail humans, we do suffer, tears are not a sign of weakness but an outpouring of love, sorrow, grief, a feeling of being overwhelmed. It's just an overflow and it's okay.

    Peace be with you!

  8. I too, was shocked at how your former church reacted to your tears. I value my tears. I feel better after a good cry. I know God treasures everyone that streams down my face. He made them for a reason. One day he will wipe them all away!

    I'm praying for you. Thanks for your prayers for my Mom.

  9. I have always hated to let people see my emotions, partly due to the way my family handled things like that. But no matter how other people respond, I know that the Lord would never turn you away. He longs to embrace you and show you His heart and His own tears for what you have gone through.

  10. I love how you strive to find joy in your situation, but my heart tells me you should let yourself cry. I don't know what I'd do without being able to let the tears flow...from tears of joy to tears of frustration or pain. I don't pretend to know what you are going through, but I just want to encourage you--if you feel the tears coming, let them flow.

  11. I can not count the times I have actually made a conscience decision to face my pain and cry. I find it SO healing Cindy! You are strong and I know you are working through alot right now. I pray that God will gently lead you as you seek him.

  12. I'm weighing in late on this, but just two words:

    Jesus wept.

    When his freind Lazarus died, Jesus wept. Even knowing he could and would raise him from the dead. Now Jesus is perfect. So weeping must be okay too, right? Let it out!


Hi Friend, I read and cherish every single comment you leave! You bring Joy to my heart! Blessings, Cindy