Today ~ A phone call with the news I didn't want to hear yet I did!
Today ~ More answers than questions.
Today ~ Legionnaires Disease!
Today ~ My heart sank and my body shook.
Today ~ New medications.
Today ~ New protocols.
Today ~ Isolation garb for staff entering the room.
Today ~ Lowering oxygen!
Today ~ No blood transfusions but Epo shots instead.
Today ~ Mixed emotions of fear and peace!
Today ~ Exhaustion times 11 days!!!
Today ~ HOPE!
Today ~ Considering Joy,
Cindy
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Truth is The Truth
So, here I am at the end of day 8 of my husband's hospitalization. Lonely is a word I do not use often but am certainly feeling it tonight. It is difficult to be here with nobody to discuss my questions with.
It seems after 8 days of testing the docs would have some sort of consensus as to the cause of his 'big' pneumonia. Big is what they keep calling it. Double pneumonia with severe on the right side. But as of yet, they have found no bacteria, fungus or mold. No specific cause.
So we press on, holding on to hope of an answer and a medication that will make the 'big' pneumonia go away for good. We have been struggling with this since his hospitalization in June. Nearly four months - no wonder I feel so tired and overwhelmed.
Speaking of me:) Several people have mentioned that they think I am disconnected and they are concerned about me! I love 'em!
Real live honesty is to follow:
7 1/2 years ago when hubby was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and placed on dialysis, I vowed to be strong and trust in the Lord. 6 months after his diagnosis while attending a very intimate/small leadership meeting at our church I broke. Our small group had been meeting for nearly a year on a monthly basis and had become very close. At that meeting I was asked how I was doing and I began to cry. I had been so strong but on this night I just let the 6 months of tears flow. Well, I was rebuked for that and told it was inappropriate to cry. I have really not cried since.
We no longer attend that church but something deep within me went into survival mode and I have lived there ever since. I do not cry nor do I show much emotion. Oh, but I feel it!!! Deep within the recesses of my soul there is enough emotion to fill an ocean more than once.
Am I disconnected? Good question! The answer - NO! I am quite connected, in fact maybe too connected to the pain, fear, exhaustion, loneliness, and concern for our familys' future. But I have 'learned' to be stoic and put on a super brave front. I've attempted at times to break the walls and let some vulnerability show but the tears and worried face do not have room in my over protected front!
But the truth of the matter is that I am a real woman with real concerns and real fears. I am concerned that I may in fact lose my husband to whatever is eating his body. I am concerned as to how to raise and care for my 25 year old disabled son who needs me. I worry about the fact that in November we will no longer have medical insurance. How will we afford hubby's medications let alone all these hospital bills which have now surpassed the 100's of thousands of dollars since June. Insurance covers 50-80% right now but in November we won't have it at all. Do I worry? Yes!
I also carry concerns about my husband's emotional state and making sure he doesn't get depressed. This is not easy on him either. I desire to nuture, care for and love him but mostly all I can do is sit and watch. Watch him sleep, watch him struggle to talk and breath, watch his body waste away, watch, watch, watch.
And because I am real and a woman, there is a part of me that desires to be nurtured, cared for and loved on, yet there is just nobody nor time for that. If it was my child who was ill I'm sure the response of others would be different. But since it is my hubby people just don't respond the same way. Have you ever noticed that? Why is it that when someone has an ill child blogland goes crazy with support or even a woman with cancer yet when a woman's husband is fighting for his life, it's like blogland abandons you! Just askin' - told you - I'm tired and lonely!
Anyway, I am definitely NOT disconnected from the realities of my life. I just don't know how to live any other way except to put on a brave front and trust my Jesus for each and every breath.
Sorry if this was a downer post, but the truth is the truth.
Considering Finding Joy in this Season a Little Tough,
Cindy
It seems after 8 days of testing the docs would have some sort of consensus as to the cause of his 'big' pneumonia. Big is what they keep calling it. Double pneumonia with severe on the right side. But as of yet, they have found no bacteria, fungus or mold. No specific cause.
So we press on, holding on to hope of an answer and a medication that will make the 'big' pneumonia go away for good. We have been struggling with this since his hospitalization in June. Nearly four months - no wonder I feel so tired and overwhelmed.
Speaking of me:) Several people have mentioned that they think I am disconnected and they are concerned about me! I love 'em!
Real live honesty is to follow:
7 1/2 years ago when hubby was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and placed on dialysis, I vowed to be strong and trust in the Lord. 6 months after his diagnosis while attending a very intimate/small leadership meeting at our church I broke. Our small group had been meeting for nearly a year on a monthly basis and had become very close. At that meeting I was asked how I was doing and I began to cry. I had been so strong but on this night I just let the 6 months of tears flow. Well, I was rebuked for that and told it was inappropriate to cry. I have really not cried since.
We no longer attend that church but something deep within me went into survival mode and I have lived there ever since. I do not cry nor do I show much emotion. Oh, but I feel it!!! Deep within the recesses of my soul there is enough emotion to fill an ocean more than once.
Am I disconnected? Good question! The answer - NO! I am quite connected, in fact maybe too connected to the pain, fear, exhaustion, loneliness, and concern for our familys' future. But I have 'learned' to be stoic and put on a super brave front. I've attempted at times to break the walls and let some vulnerability show but the tears and worried face do not have room in my over protected front!
But the truth of the matter is that I am a real woman with real concerns and real fears. I am concerned that I may in fact lose my husband to whatever is eating his body. I am concerned as to how to raise and care for my 25 year old disabled son who needs me. I worry about the fact that in November we will no longer have medical insurance. How will we afford hubby's medications let alone all these hospital bills which have now surpassed the 100's of thousands of dollars since June. Insurance covers 50-80% right now but in November we won't have it at all. Do I worry? Yes!
I also carry concerns about my husband's emotional state and making sure he doesn't get depressed. This is not easy on him either. I desire to nuture, care for and love him but mostly all I can do is sit and watch. Watch him sleep, watch him struggle to talk and breath, watch his body waste away, watch, watch, watch.
And because I am real and a woman, there is a part of me that desires to be nurtured, cared for and loved on, yet there is just nobody nor time for that. If it was my child who was ill I'm sure the response of others would be different. But since it is my hubby people just don't respond the same way. Have you ever noticed that? Why is it that when someone has an ill child blogland goes crazy with support or even a woman with cancer yet when a woman's husband is fighting for his life, it's like blogland abandons you! Just askin' - told you - I'm tired and lonely!
Anyway, I am definitely NOT disconnected from the realities of my life. I just don't know how to live any other way except to put on a brave front and trust my Jesus for each and every breath.
Sorry if this was a downer post, but the truth is the truth.
Considering Finding Joy in this Season a Little Tough,
Cindy
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Faith...
Living by faith and not by sight is akin to walking on water when you don't know how to swim.
You just trust!! And today we continue to live by faith even when we cannot see the results we would like to see.
As we are sojourners in this new season we ask our God to open our hearts to all He desires for us to learn. This is a place not of our choosing but of God's plan and we know the investment in our relationships both with each other and with God will be better for this season.
After an entire week of hospitalization there are more questions than answers. Doctor's have found more things wrong than right but we live by Faith!
For many years I have said my family motto is:
"Through it All: FAITH"
Well, today I live, breath and walk that motto!
I think I need to make a house sign!
I thank each of you
Family
Friends
and Others
for your continued prayer support!
I cannot do this alone!
Considering It All Joy,
Cindy
Friday, September 10, 2010
In This Season...
Have you noticed that many of us are blogging about season's. I suppose when the weather changes it makes us contemplate our life changes as well. God has been leading me through a change of season's for a while now but I have this incredible way of avoiding or being rebellious when it comes to a change in season that isn't of my choosing.
So in tonight's post, maybe due to exhaustion, vulnerability will surface and I will share my heart.
Three and a half years ago when I opted to resign my positions and we withdrew our membership from the church we had attended for 11 years, I honestly didn't realize the all encompassing changes our family would experience. I believed that after a time of rest we would settle into a new church and pick up where we left off in ministry and beyond.
We have been blessed and settled into a sweet little church where we are quite happy and believe God placed us there. As far as ministry goes though, I tried, and tried, and tried. I attempted to lead a couple different ministries but my heart just never would follow my actions.
Ministry in the church has always been extremely important to me. There have been times when it was more important than family or anything else (yes, I know that is wrong). Nonetheless, that is the way it was.
Today, I see change on the horizon. A change that God has been attempting to help me grasp for some time. You see, it is a new season in my life and I think I am finally ready to not only accept that change but also embrace it.
God has asked me to 'come home'. To minister to my family and walk in His ways with them. My heart wants to minister to the world, write books and be a public speaker but God's heart wants me to live out my faith to my family in this season.
I have dreams and visions of greatness! Sometimes I think God has fun laughing at my silliness! But for now He is not laughing, He is just asking. Cindy, are you willing to be obedient to my heart and minister to your family in this season? I am finally saying: YES, Lord!
So, in this season I am ready to obey the voice of the Lord and not question my future.
In this season I will rise up tomorrow morning and finish removing all the brick in front of the house in order to meet HOA requirements.
In this season I will paint the trim of our home within the next 8 days to meet the requirements of the HOA.
In this season I will spend as much time as possible at the hospital ministering and visiting with my husband.
In this season I will pray and trust God as to how to meet the needs of #2 son and his equestrian commitments.
In this season I will believe that God has my life in His hands and sees the entire picture not just the few pieces I hold in my hand.
In this season I accept that God really does have a plan and today His purpose is being revealed.
In this season I will help #1 son, DIL and two beautiful granddaughter's get ready to move and bond in their new lives as a family of 4.
In this season I will rejoice in laundry, dirty dishes, vacuuming and even cleaning bathrooms. (Can't believe I just wrote that - HA)
In this season I will remember my blog title: Consider It All Joy. God has a reason for making James my favorite book.
In this season I will remember that my blog is just an outlet to journal, keep track of life's joys and struggles, and family events. It is not a place to get kudos and accolades from anonymous visitors to feed my ego. (Although, at this time I really could use some of that - HAHA)
In this season I think my heart is finally catching up with God's.
In this season I am 'coming home' to my family and I believe It Is About Time.
Considering God's Voice Peaceful,
Cindy
So in tonight's post, maybe due to exhaustion, vulnerability will surface and I will share my heart.
Three and a half years ago when I opted to resign my positions and we withdrew our membership from the church we had attended for 11 years, I honestly didn't realize the all encompassing changes our family would experience. I believed that after a time of rest we would settle into a new church and pick up where we left off in ministry and beyond.
We have been blessed and settled into a sweet little church where we are quite happy and believe God placed us there. As far as ministry goes though, I tried, and tried, and tried. I attempted to lead a couple different ministries but my heart just never would follow my actions.
Ministry in the church has always been extremely important to me. There have been times when it was more important than family or anything else (yes, I know that is wrong). Nonetheless, that is the way it was.
Today, I see change on the horizon. A change that God has been attempting to help me grasp for some time. You see, it is a new season in my life and I think I am finally ready to not only accept that change but also embrace it.
God has asked me to 'come home'. To minister to my family and walk in His ways with them. My heart wants to minister to the world, write books and be a public speaker but God's heart wants me to live out my faith to my family in this season.
I have dreams and visions of greatness! Sometimes I think God has fun laughing at my silliness! But for now He is not laughing, He is just asking. Cindy, are you willing to be obedient to my heart and minister to your family in this season? I am finally saying: YES, Lord!
So, in this season I am ready to obey the voice of the Lord and not question my future.
In this season I will rise up tomorrow morning and finish removing all the brick in front of the house in order to meet HOA requirements.
In this season I will paint the trim of our home within the next 8 days to meet the requirements of the HOA.
In this season I will spend as much time as possible at the hospital ministering and visiting with my husband.
In this season I will pray and trust God as to how to meet the needs of #2 son and his equestrian commitments.
In this season I will believe that God has my life in His hands and sees the entire picture not just the few pieces I hold in my hand.
In this season I accept that God really does have a plan and today His purpose is being revealed.
In this season I will help #1 son, DIL and two beautiful granddaughter's get ready to move and bond in their new lives as a family of 4.
In this season I will rejoice in laundry, dirty dishes, vacuuming and even cleaning bathrooms. (Can't believe I just wrote that - HA)
In this season I will remember my blog title: Consider It All Joy. God has a reason for making James my favorite book.
In this season I will remember that my blog is just an outlet to journal, keep track of life's joys and struggles, and family events. It is not a place to get kudos and accolades from anonymous visitors to feed my ego. (Although, at this time I really could use some of that - HAHA)
In this season I think my heart is finally catching up with God's.
In this season I am 'coming home' to my family and I believe It Is About Time.
Considering God's Voice Peaceful,
Cindy
Friday, September 3, 2010
In The Center...
There has been some controversy as to the exact center of God's word.
Some say it is Psalm 118:8
"It is better to trust and take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in man."
Other's say it is Psalm 117 (the middle chapter)
"Praise the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him all you people! For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord."
Still other's say it is Psalm 103:1 and Psalm 103:2
"Bless the Lord, O My soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits."
I say
After reading each of the above verses
It doesn't matter which one is the center since they all direct us to
focusing on the Lord and Him only
So today instead of contemplating which is the center verse
I CHOOSE TO MAKE SURE
HE IS MY CENTER
With Joy,
Cindy
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