Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Some Years and Better Than Others

This year has been tough
Well, This Day

Today would have been our 36th wedding anniversary
But God saw differently
And I'm sad

Today, I'm lonely and tired of being so
I Never thought I'd be a widow
Never thought he'd be gone so young

I am thankful for good memories
But also and honestly bitter for all that
Could have been, but wasn't
Is that wrong?
I feel angry today
And, let down
And, abandoned
And, unworthy
And, sin~filled
And, tired
And, unloved

Nothing is different today than yesterday
But today...I just feel off
I want to scream and cry and pout
But, I had to work and be up and be mom
And, I didn't want to be

Honestly, I just Don't Want To Be


  1. Cindy but please know I am truly sorry you are having such a difficult time. Life while filled with blessings and joy can also be filled with devastating and painful loss. I am praying for peace in your heart and mind. I truly wish that for you so your life is not such a painful struggle. I am truly sorry.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know much but I do know that he would want you to be. Love and courage to you.

  3. I understand. I lost my husband of 37 years on Nov 10, 2012. He was young as well, only 56. I am feeling grief more now as his father passed May 9th. There will be days so lonely you will feel the loss as deeply as if it happened yesterday. But tomorrow a soft breeze will caress your check as if it were him, a bird will sing a song and remind you of a special day you shared, everything you witness and hear will bring sweet memories to lighten your heart. The loss never completely goes away but wonderful memories lighten them.

  4. Oh dear, dear Cindy ~ My heart aches for you and I totally understand where you are. I was really blessed by the comment above by Rose. Our sorrow over the loss of our dear husbands can be so overwhelming at times that we just don't know if we can go on. Each day is a gift, and I cry out to Jesus for his strength with each one, but especially on very difficult days. He knows how we are feeling, He bottles all of our tears, we are precious to Him.

    Happy 36th Anniversary!

    Love, hugs & prayers for ((((((you)))))) ~ FlowerLady

  5. Oh Cindy, I am so sorry sweet lady. Praying right now for our Lord to hold you so very close to Himself. I cannot imagine your heart right now but I do know that our Lord loves you so very much. Hugs and blessings, Cindy

  6. I am so sorry, Cindy. I don't know your kind of loss, but I do understand a broken heart and see that yours is shattered. Do you keep a journal? It may seem like a trivial thing, but I have found journal-keeping to be very cathartic. It can be the receptacle for all your emotions....sadness, anger, guilt and all of that emotional fatigue that we typically try to hide from the outside world. Even with what you have shared here in this post, I know there is so much more that you would not share with anyone....a journal can take it all. You are most certainly in my prayers, Cindy. I pray for your strength to handle the things you can and to let go of those things beyond your control. I know you are a very loving and giving person, but I fear that with all you give to others, maybe there isn't enough left for Cindy. Nourish yourself first, and you will have more to share with others.

    Warm hugs to you, sweet friend.

  7. Dearest Cindy, I am so sorry your heart is hurting. Life is not simple and along with the joys, come painful times too as you know too well. I don't know this loss and the overwhelming pain you carry but I do know God will see you through with HIS love and comfort. I know hitting yet another anniversary without your love is difficult. Words of comfort seem nowhere to be found but your beloved is with you and continues to live in your heart. All the precious moments you shared will always bring you blessings. Please know, you are thought of, loved and prayed for everyday. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
    Love and Prayers sent your way.

  8. My precious friend, I am so, so, so sorry for the pain and heartache you have faced with the loss of your love. Oh, how my heart breaks for you, dear one. How I wish I could give you a hug and simply be by your side.

    May the sweet memories bring you happiness, my friend, and may you find comfort and strength in the arms of the Lord.

    Much love to you!

  9. I am so sorry for you Cindy, I know this pain and my sister also a widow at 49.
    It's hard very hard, however you will survive.
    Only time can heal your heart, I know

  10. Sending you a huge hug! Try to do something special, just for you!!!

  11. Oh my dear Cindy! Your heartbroken words break my heart too! I have not walked the road of agony that you have, but my heart hurts with you! I can't even imagine the difficulty of this journey as a widow, alone, and how hard it is without the one you love. I really can offer no words of what to do, or not to do, but I just want to send you a hug, and cry with you other than I think you need a good cry actually! Just let the tears flow with someone you trust, and let the sadness out, and then perhaps some healing for the moment can come. I've found that to be a healing thing for myself at times when difficulties seem to overwhelm. I will be praying for you, my dear friend, holding you up to the Lord who only knows the sadness and heartbreak you feel, and who is the only ONE who can bring healing to your heart and life. You will be in my constant prayers dear friend!

  12. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you feel-it is what it is. Sometimes there is anger at things we cannot change but find hard to accept. Blessings to you- Tomorrow will be a better day- xo Diana

  13. Cindy, I have been where you are all too often. No matter how good you know God to be, this life can still be lonely and feel empty. Platitudes about God's perfect timing, and how He's preparing us to be the perfect wife for the perfect man for us mean nothing in the midst of an empty hand, an empty bed, and a longing heart. Thank you for your honesty and courage to share what is on your heart. It's nice to be able to say, "YES, me too!" so you don't feel like the lonely leper.

  14. I am so so sorry for your loss...it must be so lonely without your life partner...Its never wrong to have wanted more time with the one you loved.

  15. Cindy. I feel so bad that I missed this post. Even though I certainly can't understand fully what you are going through, I do know the sadness of losing someone whom you love with all your heart. I have lost my son. Nothing can make up for why it happened or when. Only time can do that, although it is something that never goes away completely and I wouldn't want it to. Sometimes we have feelings that we feel guilty for having, but I hope you can let those go. They are normal to feel. You have lost the love of your life and you deserve to take the time to come to terms with it. It will get easier..Take Care..Judy

  16. As I was going through some of my blogs this morning, I came across yours and realized I hadn't read a post from you recently. I am going to go out on a limb here and respond even though much time has passed since you wrote this. It is also during this time span that I pray that you have gotten to feel a little better than when you wrote these words back in May. I have never been where you are and I do understand that on special days, especially anniversaries, the pain has got be at it's highest level. I read all of the comments from the others above and I hope you were able to take in the love and and encouragement that they provided. I agree with every single one I pray that you have been comforted by them and received peace from them. Again, I apologize for my late comment. Hugs to you today, sweet Cindy!


Hi Friend, I read and cherish every single comment you leave! You bring Joy to my heart! Blessings, Cindy